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Musical Wards

I’m still Leeds General Infirmary (LGI) in situ following my cardiac arrest early Friday morning.

I’ve been moved twice in the last twenty four hours, which I like to think is down to hospital administrators maximising front line bed resources. Not the consequences of one of the older blokes saying to the ward sister “Any chance you can move that younger guy to another ward…. His jokes are s***e!

I was greeted very amicably by my new ward sister during yesterday’s first relocation. I may, though, feedback at some point her jumping out from behind a file cabinet and shouting “Surprise!!” during her initial welcome is an irresponsible undertaking on a cardiac ward.

Overnight I slept terribly. A combination of thinking about this mornings scheduled medical procedures, along with the sound of the three other guys in my ward all snoring simultaneously. Noises that were deeply unpleasant in solitude, but when inadvertently undertaken in parallel by the slumbering men bizarrely formed a wonderfully stirring version of Elgar’s Nimrod (from Enigma Variations).

This morning a medical procedure designed to mitigate against my cardiac vulnerability was undertaken. A two hour operation carried out while I was made predominantly pain free courtesy of a shot of local anaesthetic. A painkilling strategy taken by the hospital as apparently anaesthetic from further afield is less effective.

Being wide awake during the procedure I got a rare opportunity to put my vast knowledge of medical terms into use. From this spontaneous eavesdropping I learned my clackula minstopolos was in better working order than my phinimuim crestabels. Additionally, I picked up a throxal thrimbub manoeuvre should always be utilised when expanding coronary valves.

After around two hours on the operating table I was returned to a completely different (third) ward with a better blood flow and wondering what the crematic tropnosis, undertaken on the fly, entailed….. To clarify, when saying ‘on the fly’ I mean they carried out this element spontaneously. Not that this morning I’d received a procedure the surgeons had once carried out on actor Jeff Goldblum!

To close I wanted to share a true story which occurred as a result of the following segment from a recent phone conversation with my wife Karen.

Karen – “Is there anything you need bringing to hospital?

Me – “Can you bring a t-shirt for me to wear around the cardio ward please?”

She brought me this!!……. FFS!!

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