Disclaimer – None of these inquisitorial segments of hooey are remotely true….. Well, not that I know of anyway!:-

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Below are intentionally absurd ‘True or False’ rounds written and performed by yours truly as part of numerous Zoom quizzes in 2021. My queries are very much tongue in cheek; please note anything attributed as true (in bold) very much isn’t:-

Xmas True or False Round:-

1) True or False – Last year, after my brother Ian asked for Christmas gifts of CD’s by Spandau Ballet and a former X-Factor singer, along with a Mary Shelley book, on 25th December I presented him with Gold, Frankenstein and Olly Murs. – In the words of Spandau Ballet “This much is True”

2) – True or False – When Chris Rea was driving home for Christmas he was 3 times over the drink/driving limit? False – His chauffeur Bert Wheezer was the one who was three sheets to the wind

3) – True or False – Bing Crosby was telling porkies when, in the eponymous movie, claiming he was dreaming of a white Christmas? – True – His night visions were ordinarily filled with thoughts of Rosemary Clooney’s busters

4) – True or False – Due to 95% of the movie being miserable fare for George Bailey, he’d have been well within his rights to proffer the movie ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ was somewhat of a misnomer? – True

5) – True or False – Apart from rescuing bruised fruit which’d spilled from greengrocer barrows, legendary ukulele player George Formby loved nothing more than building festive snowmen? – True

6) – True or False – In the 1980’s the Queen’s Christmas speech was once penned for Her Majesty by Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown? – False. It was her Golden Jubilee in which Roy waxed lyrical.

7) – True or False – Home Alone star MacCauley Culkin is often asked to speak at Group 4 Security’s Christmas Party? – True.

8) – True or False – Late singer/songwriter Prince’s receipt of Christmas presents diminished markedly after his name change. This a consequence of his buddies being unable to fit ‘The Artist Formerly Known As Prince’ on the gift tags? – True. Hence his return to his original moniker.

9) – True or False – No one called Carol has ever written a traditional Christmas carol? – True

10) – True or False – 1980’s singer/songwriter, and part-time creosote manufacturer, Terence Trent Darby’s biggest regret was not writing and recording a Christmas song. False – His biggest regret was not letting his dog Chris sing backing vocals on his hit ‘If You Let Me Stay’.

11) True or False – Due to an over dependence on mulled wine, Rudolph the reindeers nose was actually more purple than red? – True.

12) – True or False – Turkeys became the UK’s go to Christmas Day meat after it was deemed they were easier to slaughter than geese, who’re incredible aggressive if you approach them with an axe – True.

13) – True or False – Despite Bob Geldof and Midge Ure’s indications to the contrary, Ethiopians do know when it’s Christmas? – True

14) – True or False – Maverick actor and part-time Premier Inn hotel resident, Lenny Henry hates turkey for Christmas dinner. Although evidently approves of it in his comedy routines? False – A well-meaning fella, old Leonard’s gags always leave his audience begging for more! …… Although, that might be more sedatives.

15) – True or False – When professional Yorkshire lady and singer Jane McDonald’s sings of the Holy Trinity in Christmas carols she’s referring to curmudgeonly ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ characters Compo, Foggy and Clegg? – False – It’s her childhood role models Norah Batty, Thora Hird and Beryl Reid.

16) – True or False – Santa Claus is afflicted with a speech impediment which means he refers to his most famous reindeer as ‘Wudolph the wed nosed weindeer’? – True

17) – True or False – When singing East 17’s Christmas hit ‘Stay Another Day’, lead singer Brian Harvey became the first artist to perform a festive refrain with his cap on backwards? False – He was unable to sport his preferred cap position because it was under his coat hood. Consequently, having no choice but to wear it with the peak at the front.

18) – True or False – In reality, late hell raising actor Oliver Reed spent much of his Christmas Day with a shandy, constructing jigsaws and belching cacophonously. True

19) – True or False – For superstition purposes, 1970’s Coventry City footballer Ernie Hunt would always wear the football boots Santa had brought him in next day’s Boxing Day game? False – Ernie liked be break his new boots in during training sessions prior to wearing them on match days.

20) – True or False – Although a broad minded lass, North Yorkshire vet James Herriot’s wife insisted on carving the Christmas turkey if her hubby had been delivering calves on Xmas morning. True.

Entertainment True or False

1 True or False – Despite Cockney rhyming slang indicating the contrary, The Shadows guitarist Hank Marvin insists he’s very rarely hungry? True

2 True or False – Former Yes keyboard player and turnip farmer Rick Wakeman’s autobiography is titled ‘Yes, That Was A Turnup For The Books Mrs? False – It was called ‘Swede, Swede Music’.

3 True or False – Former ‘How’ presenter Fred Dinage modelled his arched hairstyle on Newcastle’s Tyne Bridge? . True

4 True or False – Clearasil cleansing lotion not only tackles acne problem, but if applied in vast quantities is capable of making the user invisible? True

5 True or False – Late TV canine whisperer Barbara Woodhouse’ CV included a hobby of gelding horses? False

6 True or False – 1970s/80s travel show host Judith Chalmers spoke 317 languages? True

7 True or False – In early adulthood the current Pope was a referee on the Argentinian TV version of ‘Jeux Sans Frontier’? – False.

8. True or False – One of the edicts Eurovision Song Contest performers must follow is their scores mustn’t contain any tuba music whatsoever? False. It’s a duck whistles which are afforded nil point.

9. True or False – As a consequence of his stunted right hand not containing fingerprints, the ‘Game for A Laugh’ presenter Jeremy Beadle enjoyed a successful sideline as a cat burglar? False, At no stage of his life was ‘Beadle About’ star guilty of stealing cats.

10. True or False – The fact I’m absolutely minted appears to contradict the old proverb ‘A fool and his money are easily parted’? False. I’ve not got two happennys to scratch my arse with.

11 True or False – The fact it’s said ‘A leopard cannot change it’s spots’ clearly indicates Clearasil is ineffective on felines? True.…. Unless they put enough of the cream on to make them invisible.

12. True or False – Despite frequently telling Rita Fairclough “I don’t really know!”, Coronation Street neurotic Mavis Riley actually was fully aware all along? True

13. True of False – Due to mortar shortages during its construction, the top concrete slabs of the Hoover Dam are held in place by Blu Tac? False – It’s sellotape

14. True or False – When a snooker player pots three balls with one strike of the cue ball it’s known as a ‘Holy Trinity’? False. Its called really f***ing lucky!

15. True or False – Newcastle United manager Steve Bruce’s nose is exactly the same shape as the city’s Westgate Road? True

1980’s Music True or False

1. True or False – Former Spandau Ballet singer Tony Hadley’s grandad Stan created the enigmatic recipe for Old English flavoured Spangles? – True
2. True or False – After losing his trilby during severe 1987 autumnal gales, ‘Wherever I Lay My Hat That’s My Home’ crooner Paul Young was sadly consigned to a life on the streets? False; luckily for the former Q-Tips vocalist he also owned a stetson, which mercifully negating against this millinery mishap.
3. True or False – Nik Kershaw not only wrote Chesney Hawkes number one hit ‘The One & Only’, he was also responsible for drawing Chesney’s trademark face mole with permanent marker? False; it was overrated warbler Kim Wilde who augmented Chezzas cuteness levels with the dark pimple.
4. True of False – The fella bragging to Deacon Blue his savings were sufficient to buy a boat called Dignity was in reality a charlatan who turned out not to have two hapennys to scratch his arse with? True
5. True or False – When miming the bands hit ‘Too Shy’ on BBC TV’s ‘Top of the Pops’, idiosyncratic Kajagoogoo singer Limahl’s insisted on a microphone adapted from a sherbet dip tube . – True
6. True or False – Thompson Twins singer Allanah Currie was renowned within the 1980’s music scene for never knowingly overpaying for cutlery? False; She once recklessly forked out £50 for a set of six unimpressive stainless steel teaspoons.
7. True or False – 80’s frontman Kid Creole musical protestations to Annie he wasn’t her daddy was a fib? – False; the Coconuts lead singer famously always took precautions when venturing anywhere near a ladies front bottom.
8. True or False – For his 18th birthday, ABC front man Martin Fry’s parents presented him with a fondue set and a selection of soft French cheeses? – True
9. True or False – With the trinity of band members bearing faces like slapped arses, calling themselves ‘Fun Boy Three’ was voted the most inappropriate group name in 1980’s pop? True
10. True or False – Dexy’s Midnight Runner’s vocalist Kevin Rowland misled Eileen in song when telling her he’d hum her a tune for ever more? True; heavily fatigued, coughing up fur balls and hampered by a dry mouth, he had to stop his marathon humming session ten days after making the ill thought out promise.

Miscellaneous True or False Inquiries

1. True or False – TV chef Jamie Oliver’s front door inside architraves are predominantly constructed from giant Bourbon biscuits? – True
2. True or False – My Sat Nav claims the adage ‘All roads lead to Rome.’ to be unmitigated hogwash? – True
3. True or False – In a bizarre finding, historians recently discovered door handles were invented before doors? – False; that’d be a ridiculous notion.
4. True or False – Former Italian dictator Benito Mussolini imprisoned the La Scala opera house’s orchestra leader for barring him from playing tuba in the orchestras string section? – False; He refused permission to play the duck whistle next to the violinists.
5. True or False – Despite critics accusations to the contrary, former Chair of the Tory Party Sir Norman Fowler wasn’t really a chair? – True.
6. True or False – In a pretty tepid coincidence, former 1970’s English football commentator David Coleman’s dad was a coal man? – True.
7. True or False – Fiery chef Gordon Ramsay’s swear box contains enough coinage to wipe out Italy’s International Monetary Fund debt? – False; although not far from the Iti’s fiscal shortfall to the IMF, it’s nearer the debt level of Montenegro.
8. True or False – Sometimes I just shake my head in despair? – True
9. True or False – There’s more to life than beer flavoured cheesecake? – False; a response requiring no further comment.
10. True or False – According to a Dulux paint colour chart, TV presenter Phillip Schofield’s grey hair colour is Turbots Fin – False; it’s Argent Salmon.
11. True or False – Aussie actress Margot Robbie’s epilator has got three different settings, and is self cleaning? – True.
12. True or False – Sometimes people take things a bit too seriously? – True
13. True or False – Adventurer Bear Grylls’ dog Bernard has climbed all of Scotland’s Munro mountains? – False; although his hamster Archie achieved the fete in 2017.
14. True or False – Jamie Oliver’s Bourbon biscuit door architraves need replacing frequently? – True
15. True or False – Former 1970’s English football commentator Hugh Johns real name was John Hughes? – False; it was Lady Mary Deschamp of Dudley.

True or False

1) True Or False – The Cadbury SMASH robots wouldn’t have laughed at old school mash makers if they’d tasted the sawdust-like mush they were peddling. True

2) True Or False – In real life, animated public information characters Joe & Petunia were nowhere near as dysfunctional, or irresponsible, as commercials painted them. False – They were indeed a selfish, uncaring, rusting car on the front lawn, bluster fucks.

3) True Or False – A meticulous method actor, Bernard Cribbins would sit in a giant nest to embrace his role of Buzby when recording narrations for Post Office Telephone. False – He indulged in bird talk whilst sitting halfway up a horse chestnut tree.

4) True Or False – Labelling the road crossing safety guru The Green Cross Man was a bit of a misnomer. After all, unless you take into account when he played Darth Vader, Dave Prowse wasn’t at all cross…… Or indeed green. True

5) True Or False – Due to possessing an unusually small throat clack, when Willie Rushton provided the voice of animated Clifford the Listerine Dragon, the gurgling elements of the plot were undertaken by a stand-in. False – Willie was renowned amongst his peers as an accomplished gargler.

6) True Or False – The famed 1970’s Cornetto adverts showing Venetian gondoliers stealing an amorous couples cornets ceased when the product size diminished so markedly pilfering became logistically impossible. True

7) True Or False – After slipping on Fairy Liquid spillage, during which clodhopper Archie Klutz fractured a thumb and index finger, it became clear the washing up liquid wasn’t necessarily kinder to your hands. False – I made up that ridiculous hooey.

8) True Or False – The tag line of “I bet she wears Harmony hairspray.” became so iconic, in the late 70’s bookmaker Ladbrokes start taking wagers on the forecast. False – It was William Hill bookies who accepted these idiosyncratic punts.

9) True Or False – The iconic Hovis advert in which a West Yorkshire accented narrator eulogises about how great a baker his dad was flimflam of the highest order. His fatha’s bread allegedly tasted like Gandhi’s flipflop?. True

10) True Or False – When the nationalised British Gas was being floated on the open market with an advert informing viewers to Tell Sid, evidently Sidney couldn’t give a flying fuck about lining his pockets from the UK gas network’s privatisation. False – He was a greedy, self-serving Thatcherite and made shit loads of lolly from his cut price share procurement.

Entertainment True or False

1. True or False – As a child, Brummie rocker Ozzy Osbourne represented the West Midland’s ‘Pin The Tail On The Donkey’ team during the 1962 All England Championships? – True
2. True or False – The fact aforementioned hell raiser Ozzy Osbourne has survived into his 70’s despite decades of reckless alcohol and drug abuse is deemed by the the British Medical Council as “Pure science fiction.”? – True
3. True or False – Every 10 minutes an unmarried woman over 30 acquires a new cat? – True
4. True or False – US mass murderer Ted Bundy claims he was misunderstood and wanted nothing more in life than to star in the movie ‘The Odd Couple’ as Walter Matthau’s stooge? – False. He hated Matthau, he wanted to star alongside Jack Lemmon.
5. True or False – TV presenter and book critic Richard Madeley wears a cricket box in bed to mitigate against missus (Judy Finnegan) gets fruity after binge watching a boxset of ITV crime show Vera? – True
6. True or False – Sometimes in life all you want is to cry yourself to sleep listening to tear-jerking hit ‘Old Shep’ on Spotify? – False. Old Shep is overly saccharin, I prefer Terry Jack’s ‘Season in the Sun’ for my melancholy fix.
7. True or False – Caddish actor Terry Thomas’ iconic gapped front teeth were a scaled model of the L’Arc De Triomph? – False. It was Marble Arch that inspired Tezza’s gnashers.
8. True or False – Syd Little, bumbling straight man to Eddie Large, only needed to wear his thick lensed specs to see with? – True
9. True or False – Despite cynical utterances to the contrary, curmudgeonly misery guts Victor Meldrew was incredibly gullible and did believe most things? – True
10. True or False – Although fond of gaslighting to the contrary, Hannibal Lecter actually despised fava beans and chianti. True. the notorious cannibal’s preferred side and tipple was sweetcorn and merlot.

Further Disclaimer (In the event you missed the one above) – Although some are indicated otherwise in bold, none of these idiosyncratic allegations are true in any shape or form:-

Music – True or False

1. True or False – The Pogues frontman Shane McGowan’s orthodentist learned the hard way that chisels weren’t effective for undertaking tooth maintenance? – True
2. True or False – Ignoring the adage advocating to the contrary, recurring equine gum disease means a local vet often looks singer Roland Gift’s horse in the mouth? True.
3. True or False – Elton John’s husband David Furnish’s real name is David Furniture-Polish? False
4. True or False – Spandau Ballet frontman Tony Hadley purchases budgie Archie’s millet spray from ‘Pets At Home? False. The singer of the song ‘True’ procures budgerigar supplies from the Pets Planet website.
5. True or False – Late ‘Dead or Alive’ singer Pete Burns visage makeup was based on the slapdash cosmetic application adorned by Aunt Sally in Barbara Euphan Todd’s ‘Worzel Gummidge’ books? – False.
6. True or False – Madness lead singer Suggs’ name contains more consonants than vowels? – True. Unless you count the letters G and S as vowels.
7. True or False – The iconic saxophone solo arrangement in Gerry Rafferty’s 1970’s hit ‘Baker Street’ was originally arranged by former Beatles producer George Martin to be performed on duck whistle? False. The Scot Rafferty originally wrote the riff for fipple flute.
8. True or False – Middlesborough rock star Chris Rea has a Welsh/Irish cousin with irritable bowel syndrome named Dai O’Rea? False.
9. True or False – Pop star Olly Murs and ‘The Voice UK’ judge failed in his attempts to qualify as a barrister through his inability to spell habeas corpus? True
10. True or False – Legendary Welsh crooner Tom Jones couldn’t spell habeas corpus either. However as he had no aspirations of following a legal career wasn’t overly fussed? True
11. True or False – Will I Am (Fellow ‘The Voice UK’ judge of Murs and Jones) knows how to spell habeas corpus, but abandoned his barrister career after circuit judges barred him from wearing his trademark trilby in court? False
12. True or False – Kaiser Chiefs lead singer, and sometime ‘The Voice UK’ judge Ricky Wilson knows a really good joke about ferrets? True
13. True or False – Olly Murs agrees that Ricky Wilson’s ferret joke is reasonably funny, but posits it’s not as humorous as Paloma Faith’s whizzbang about the 12″ pianist? True
14. True or False – Producers of ‘The Voice UK’ recently issued an edict that the show judges concentrate on the vocal wherewithal of contestants, as opposed to nattering about Latin legalese spelling, along with jocular anecdotes about ferrets and pianists. False. Those topics are deemed far more entertaining than the lukewarm musical fare dished out by the wannabe singers.

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Harry Kane True or False

1) True of False – On a Scottish vacation, Harry Kane skimmed a stone the full length of Loch Lochmond. The stone returning back to him fifteen minutes later with two tickets for the musical ‘Les Miserables’? False

2) True of False – Prior to Tottenham’s 6-1 victory at Old Trafford in the 2020/21 season, Kane led out his side on horseback? True

3) True of False – According to a MORI poll, following England’s failure to win Euro 2020, Harry Kane’s popularity has waned to such an extent he’s now only the fourth most popular person nicknamed ‘H’ in Britain – Trailing behind the villain in ‘Line of Duty’, the blonde male singer in band Steps and my sister Helen? False

4) True of False – In talks with FIFA, Kane’s representatives are currently endeavouring to sell Harry’s concept of replacing penalty deciders in next years World Cup with captains jousting on horseback? True

5) True of False – Harry Kane seems to like riding on horseback? True

6) True of False – A huge lover of gummy bears, H’s guilty pleasure after training is a Haribo sandwich?….. Incidentally, that’s ‘H’ the England captain – Not the ‘Line of Duty’ villain, Steps singer, or my sister Helen. To the best of my knowledge that trinity of reprobates don’t train with Spurs, or, indeed, consume Haribo sandwiches. False

7) True of False – While on loan at Leyton Orient, Kane played the second half of a game wearing a Bernie Cliftonesque ostrich suit? True

8) True or False – Harry Kane is the only League One (or indeed any league) footballer to score in a game while pretending to be sat on an ostriches back? True

9) True of False – As it was his feet powering the ostrich, Kane was put out when the goal was attributed to the aforementioned giant bird? True

10) True or False – On the back of his performance when powered by the future England captain, Harry’s ostrich secured a three year contract at Marseille? False

Disclaimer – Every single catechism you’re about to read (if you’ve not already given up the ghost on this hooey) is a fib on the grandest scale…… Well that I’m aware of, anyhow!:-

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Absurdly Random – True or False

Disclaimer – Every single catechism you’re about to read (if you’ve not already given up the ghost on this hooey) is a fib on the grandest scale…… Well that I’m aware of, anyhow!:-

1. True or False – Boris Johnson’s younger sibling Jo thinks the Prime Minister is a bit of a twat? True
2. True or False – The Great Wall of China takeaway in Hetton-le-Hole, County Durham, can been seen from the Moon? False. It’s the 12,000 mile construction in east Asia which’s visible from the Earth’s satellite.
3. True or False – Despite inferences to the contrary, hospital matrons aren’t the harridans they’re painted in Carry On movies. True. There are several who’re nothing like Hattie Jacques, in looks or behaviour.
4. True or False – Marjorie Tattle, a housewife from Dudley, is such an accomplished knitter that instead of penning letters of complaint to the BBC TV show ‘Points of View’ her diatribes are knitted?.True
5. True or False – Townsfolk from the South Yorkshire town of Barnsley are restricted by local council edicts from pronouncing the letter H at the beginning of a word. False. In fact the town coat of arms proudly proclaims “In Hertfordshire, Hereford and Hamsted, et spiritus procellarum quad vix Ventura.” Which translates to “In Hertfordshire, Hereford and Hampstead, hurricanes hardly ever happen.
6. True or False – In an amazing coincidence, actor/singer Shane Ritchie’s last three watches have run out of battery power at 11.32? False – It was 7.47 that the trinity of timepieces carked it
7. True or False – During her early 20’s, EastEnders actress Bonnie Langford dated an actor called Edward Flugelhorn? True
8. True or False – When situations end sadly as a consequence of someone’s actions, I’d submit it proves the adage ‘The end justifies the means’ isn’t flawed on some level True
9. True or False – Coronation Street’s theme tune composer Erst While originally wrote the iconic tune at his local park while blowing on a taut blade of grass secured between his thumbs. False. He wasn’t called Erst While either.
10. True or False – When crippled with flatulence in the company of other people, movie director Blake Edwards would command his kids to shuffle their feet in a bid to mask his farting noises? False. He demanded they cough when a trump was imminent.
11. True or False – Despite claims to the contrary in refrain, legendary singer Gene Pitney was never at any stage of his life 24 hours from Tulsa? True
12. True or False – Like her brother Jo, Boris Johnson’s sister Rachel also thinks the Prime Minister is a bit of a twat? True

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1970’s TV – True 0r False

1 – True or False – The two pigs in The Good Life, Pinky and Perky, were named after the puppet porkers who bore the same monikers? False. It was merely a coincidence.

2 – True or False – Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em star Michael Crawford was forced to select a beret as headwear for his cloddish character Frank Spencer’s after fellow funnyman Tommy Cooper stole his fez. True

3 – True or False – Last of the Summer Wine’s Wellington booted scruff bag Compo undertook all his own stunts. Including the particularly unpleasant and jeopardous act of wrinkling Norah Batty’s stockings before scenes? True

4 – True or False – In 1970, Scouse writer of The Liver Birds, Carla Lane, acquired the full set of Esso England World Cup squad commemorative coins. False. She didn’t drive and preferred collecting Panini stickers over assembling petrol marketing trinkets.

5 – True or False – With the £10 fleeced from Terry and Bob during the ‘Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?’ episode ‘No Hiding Place’, Flint (played by Brian Glover) bought five homing pigeons and a ha’pputh of chips? True.

6 – True or False – Coincidentally, the combined names of Goodies, Bill Oddie, Graham Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor’s form the anagram ‘Trinity of Oxbridge Educated Japesters’? False. It was ‘Odd Gardening Mitts and Ham Based Yale Lock’s.

7 – True or False – Due to sight screen damage, for three homes games in 1972 season, Hampstead Heath cricket club utilised ‘George & Mildred’ star Yootha Joyce’s teeth as a makeshift replacement visibility enhancer? True.

8 – True or False – Apart from the card Argentina’s captain Daniel Passerella, Scouse writer of the comedy Bread, Carla Lane, collected the full set of 1978 Panini FIFA World Cup stickers? True

9 – True or False – To The Manor Born actress Penelope Keith’s priggish persona belied the fact she was a nymphomaniac who like nothing more than playing the pink oboe. False. Infiltration of Penny’s front bottom was as tough as breaking into Fort Knox.

10 – True or False – Man About The House actress Sally Thomsett looked a bit like my auntie Joan? True