As alluded to in yesterday’s narrative Variety Show, last night was Zoom quiz evening. Three hours during which seven like minded fellows engaged in inquisitorial combat. It’s victor afforded the spoils of a half empty 2 litre bottle of Castrol GTX motor oil and a bag of scampi that’d lain unloved for 17 years in quiz chairman Scott Parker’s freezer.

As usual that victor was one Jeffrey Patterson who, despite the distraction of undergoing an outer body experience throughout rounds two and three, won at a canter….. God only knows how the horse got into his living room mind you. After prevailing, Jeff showing his usual modesty, claiming his win had inspired him to lobby government for world peace, changes to the Nectar points reward system and better Zoom quiz prizes.

Anyhow, below I enclose the intentionally absurd ‘True or False’ round I wrote/delivered to conclude the esprit packed evening. Please note, the answers (in bold) marked as true are amongst the biggest lies you’ll ever stumble across. Here goes………..

True Or False

1) True or False – Animated 1970’s children’s programme Mary, Mungo & Midge was based upon the combined adventures of music artists Mary Hopkins, Mungo Jerry and Midge Ure. True

2) True or False – TV chef and former lion tamer Jamie Oliver’s carrot and coriander soup recipe contains neither carrots or coriander. True

3) True or False – Renowned liar and 1980’s singer Eddie Tenpole Tudor only actually had nine poles. False. He only had seven, but hid the fact after concluding naming his band Sevenpole Tudor would be ludicrous.

4) True or False – Scottish chef Tom Kitchin thinks it unlikely that if his name had’ve been Tom Anvil he’d have sought employment as a Blacksmith – True

5) True or False – The band James wrote the song ‘Go Sit Down’ after seeing how tired Paula Radcliffe looked after the 1988 London Marathon. False …. Paula didn’t achieve running fame until 1992 when she became the first woman under 7 stone to run non-stop from John O’Groats and Lands End, and back again.

6) True or False – Channel 4 canned the soap opera Brookside after endless complaints from cameramen of being covered in spit when it’s Scouse cast said a word ending with the letter ‘k’? – True

7) True or False – In 1992, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher earned the nickname Cruella D’Ville after ordering the rounding up of all Dalmatians and first born children from houses north of Kettering? – True

8) True or False – Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had several white overcoats with black dots on? – False. Her winter attire was partly made from the foreskins of the oppressed.

9) True or False – In 1985, Time magazine readers voted America’s biggest ever coincidence as father of three boys Mike Brady marrying a woman who’d three similar aged daughters of her own, in TV show The Brady Bunch. False – That accolade fell to that golfer Arnold Palmer, who quite remarkably married a woman called Arnold Palmer.

10) True or False – Following Paddy McAloon’s threat of litigation for using a pseudonym similar to a Prefab Sprouts album title, celebrity concubine and renowned oboe player Jordan reverted to using her birth name of Katie Price? – True

11) True or False – In a bizarre twist of fate, Sunderland band A Tribe of Toffs recorded the song ‘John Kettley is a Weatherman’ a year before TV weatherman John Kettley’d actually even started presenting meteorological forecasts on the BBC. True

12) True or False – After acquiring the nickname Midge from buddies who’d created the pseudonym from turning his real name Jim backwards, Ultravox sing Midge Ure was relieved his christian name wasn’t Tnuc. True

13) True or False – During childbirth women expend enough energy to power a three-bedroomed semi-detached house for five days. False – If you include the swearing, it’s a week.

14) True or False – According to former Goodie star, and now twitcher, Bill Oddie, his ornithological binoculars allow him to see into the future. – True

15) True of False – Legendary Brazilian footballer Pele was the first top level player to ever suffer from erectile dysfunction. False. It was West German frontman Uwe Seeler.