This morning, as I loitered around the checkouts of a south Leeds supermarket with my collection tin during voluntary work, I got to see first hand the heavily reported panic buying of toilet rolls in the wake of coronavirus fears.

Without a doubt, this global pandemic is an event which requires proportionate precautions to be undertaken, negating against the spread of a virus which is capable of taking human life.

That being said, I’d argue the public’s precautional storing of massed bog rolls ready for viral Armageddon isn’t a proportionate response. Not to mention, nowhere near being the proletariats priority within a residential contingency plan for such an occurrence.

I’ll admit I’ve not entered into great swathes of research prior to chronicling this piece, however, I’m pretty sure a symptom of the incurable pneumonia type pathogen isn’t diarrhoea.

Consequently, this bulk buying of loo paper, which’s no doubt sending product manufacturers stock through the roof, seems to me as consumer overreaction of baffling proportions……  Unless, of course, these panic buyers are literary ‘s**tting themselves’ about the dangers of the coronavirus’ uninvited arrival over their residential thresholds.

Incidentally, I’m not for one second advocating the paper manufacturers have conspired to create, or indeed, spread COVIR-19 (as the virus is officially labelled) purely to bolster it’s profit margins. Their apparent fiscal serendipity consequential of these events is merely the seemingly one silver lining of this particularly robust and imposingly dark cloud.

Cynically, this bog roll buffoonery moves me to ponder which other pointless panic room purchases will consumers target next if/when the coronavirus situation deteriorates further?…… Which other products will be deemed fair game for consumer binge buying when preparing for, god forbid, the pathogen balloon going up?

Perhaps – Toe nail clippers?…… Training shoes with luminous laces?…… Vouchers for Harish’s Kebab Emporium?…… Trilby hat’s?……. Wellies with ‘L’ and ‘R’ symbols to aid ease of fitting?……. Or, late comedian Ken Dodd’s tickling sticks?

Of course, regardless how precious a person is regarding pedicure nail maintenance, owning lot’s of trilby hats, or notions they can’t be without a Doddy tickling stick, every single item I’ve transcribed in the previous paragraph won’t be panic bought.

Yours truly’s ridiculous additions to the prose a consequence of a mischievous nature. My facetiousness borne from an urge to take a whimsical side-swipe at those who utterly flummox me with their priorities for contingency accumulation of goods en-masse.

While reviewing the bigger picture, it mightn’t just be the toilet paper manufacturer balance sheets who are beneficiaries of the coronavirus scare. Clothes detergent manufacturers may also benefit. A result of citizens, unable to find bog roll after recent events, having to panic buy washing powder, mitigating against the skid mark increases borne from being bereft of posterior wipes. Eat your heart out Proctor & Gamble!!

Yesterday, in a further tongue-in-cheek broadside at the public induced loo paper famine, I felt moved to relay the following notion on social media. My observation aimed at cheekily assisting those poor individuals who may suffer as a consequence of their peer’s bog roll gluttony:-

TOP TIP – Don’t fret If you’re affected by the panic buying of toilet paper in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic. Simply find who among your friends buys The Sun newspaper and ask if they’ll save you their old copies……. In times of crisis the adage “I wouldn’t wipe my arse on it!” doesn’t apply!!