In a narrative I wrote yesterday, I spoke of my overt scepticism surrounding the topic of old wives tales.

During that mini diatribe, I carelessly omitted to touch on the comedic value of misquoted tales of folklore. As I find the mixed up delivery of these words of legend inherently funny, it was something I wanted to rectify in todays offering.

An acquaintance of mine can be regularly relied upon to raise a smile with his inadvertent garbling of folklore musings, metaphors and idioms.

There is something endearingly naïve about his incorrectly formed musings. Examples of which being “He smokes like a fish!”, “She wouldn’t say boo to a fly!”, ” I wouldn’t trust him with a barge pole!”, “You catch more honey with flies!” and “Roman Polanski wasn’t built in a day!”

It’s not just misquoted old wives tales, metaphors and idioms that I find entertaining. I’m also fond of the philosophical soundbites made up and misguidedly spouted by individuals. Words they themselves have created that had never previously seen the lexicological light of day.

These are nonsensical offerings aimed at trying to impress their audience, but only result in confusing the listener and creating an alternative talking point.

These include misguided pearls of wisdom I’ve heard in the past, such as “If a crow flies west for the winter he’s going the wrong way!”, “Many a fool doesn’t shop at Costco!” and the incomprehensible “A man cannot have too many niff naffs!”

Although humorous, I occasionally get irritated at those who pass off their non-existent, incomprehensible and meaningless platitudes as genuine. In fact,  I’d go as far as saying “The indoctrination of incorrect idioms is food for the lost souls of Byzantine.”

I shouldn’t really make light of peoples mistakes when incorrectly imparting sayings of legend. After all, I need to up my game in the use of my grammar.

I suppose learning my English at the same Gateshead comprehensive as ex-England footballer Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne may go someway to explaining shortfalls in my grammatical skillset….. Although it’s more likely to be the result of being a lazy bugger at school.

I do try to constantly improve the delivery of my written work, with my every spare minute spent practising the craft. This strategy an attempt to fill the knowledge voids in my presentation of the English language.

It’s important to me that my free time is filled productively and that I avoid procrastination. After all, you know what they say, “A rolling Keith Richards gathers no moss!”

During an earlier pause in writing while I sought inspiration, my mind regressed to the philosophical words bequeathed to me by my wife Karen during a recent car journey.

As we discussed random topics, such as is orange really the new black and whether buying a pet eagle was a mistake, Karen gave me the following invaluable piece of advice:- “I always think that if you don’t want people to know your business, don’t tell them it.”

The magnitude of this epiphany distracted me to such an extent I nearly drove through a red traffic light. Never before, in my half century on Earth, had I contemplated not telling people things I hadn’t wanted them to know!

My spouses teaching left me with a warm glow of satisfaction, which I imagine was similar to that Moses experienced on receipt of the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. Although, that might just have been due to the heater in my vehicle being too high …… That’s me by the way not Moses, who I’ve never given a lift to.

As I write, Karen is currently sitting opposite me at the moment in a comfortable chair, where she is reading a publication she disparagingly described as “The work of a proper writer.”

From a distance it looks an aesthetically pleasing enough piece of work, but I’d hardly call the person who designed the menu for Dineshs Kebab Emporium a proper writer!