As I write this blog I am sat in a hotel bedroom looking out on beautiful sunlit views of the Northumberland countryside. Below a cheery gardener, with his nasal hair flapping in the late spring breeze, tends to the immaculate lawns outside. He greets passing golfers and guests alike with a smile and the words “Better out, than in!” as he breaks wind unashamedly!

The golfers and guests uncomfortably smile back, before going their merry way. Apart from one boring guy, with a beard, who spends several minutes discussing whether the grass is greener on the other side……… Well I felt it was a question I needed answering!

After much deliberation the gardener advises that it is if you use ‘Levingtons Grass Feeder’!…….. Other grass feeders are available!

Some grass that is apparently greener than the other side! … It maybe greener but it needs a good bloody cut!

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As I look for inspiration I sit people watching. I’ve just overheard an attractive, but obviously vain, young lady tell a hotel doorman she failed her driving test yesterday. The rest of the conversation went something like this:-

Doorman – “Oh Dear! What did you fail on?”

Girl – “Use of mirrors!”

Doorman – “Ah, so you didn’t use them when manoeuvring then?!”

Girl – “No I was using them ok. But how the hell was I to know I couldn’t use them to apply lipstick whilst carrying out my emergency stop!”

Doorman – “Erm…. Ok!” ……. Before edging away, apprehensive wondering what random comment may come next!

Girl – “I failed on my mirrors last time as well!!”

Doorman (cautiously) – “Errrrrr …. What did you do wrong then?”

Girl – “I refused to go back to the testers house to see the mirrored ceiling in his bedroom!”

Please note you can fail your driving test for doing this while driving!….

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When driving up to Northumberland I stopped for lunch at an M&S cafe in Gateshead, during which time I had the need to use the toilet.

As I walked in I thought I’d walked into a Hammer horror remake, until the light suddenly went on to illuminate the hitherto macabre atmosphere. Once I had the use of my sight, I was intrigued to read a sign that said ‘Please be aware the light only switches on when you enter the cubicle’ .

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that M&S value me as a good enough customer to allow me to have light! However, I feel it’s a tad unfair anyone else has to urinate in the dark!!

I’ve found a solution for other customers at M&S!….

I shouldn’t complain as I know the purpose of the censor is to try reduce their carbon footprint. Sorry that sounds cynical, but I’ve been worn down by my overbearing ‘green’ neighbour who is constantly droning on at me to be ecologically sound……….. In fact, i’d go as far as to say living next door to Kermit the frog can be a real pain in the ass at times!

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It’s now only a week until the General Election in the UK! … As I sit undecided in a moment of quiet reflection in the hotel bar, I realise I have a major decision to make in the very near future…….. Do I get a pint of Amstel or a Guinness?!

I know that’s a cynical approach to an election that will shape the lives of millions of people here in the UK. However, I really don’t have any great faith in any political party which is my dilemma!

Anyway, I’ve finally made a decision! ………. I’m going for the pint of Amstel!

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